||[Oct. 11th, 2001|09:26 pm]
|||||Hope by Sublime||]|
I don't know what's been up with me lately...I have really not been myself at all. I've been moody,pissed off,angry,disgruntled,sad,and really really bitchy. I don't know what's wrong with me or what's causing it. It could be all the stress I have on me. I have a C+ in econ and I have absolutely no idea what's going on and I desperately need to get that grade up...i've been really sick lately which makes me really mad..I worked for 4 years to get in a musical and I don't want to miss a second of it, even if I'm coughing and have a headache. On the other hand, I wish I knew how to sing so that I didn't feel like such an incompetant moron when we have vocals and I don't know how to sing a D#. Maybe I worry too much...I never just go with the moment, I'm always thinking about what's happening next and what's happening after that,maybe I need to just let time flow instead of giving it specific times for things to happen. It could be that I'm unsure of myself,I only say this because look at how many times I've said "maybe", why not just a "yes" or "no", why maybe? I know nobody understood that because half the time people don't understand me and they most certainly aren't afraid to tell me that. They're not afraid to tell me how dumb they think I am or how I dunno, the only time people say nice things to them is when I lend them a quarter or something to go buy water...other than that it's all negativity. And speaking of people being nice...I feel like I'm losing my best friends. We never spend time together anymore and things are definitely not the way they used to be. It's obvious when you have to schedule plans with a friend a month in advance that things have changed in your relationship. That makes me really sad,it's our senior year and it's supposed to be the best year of our lives with our friends...and so far it's been anything but that. The last time me,ayla,tanya,and megan have all done something together was almost 2 months ago...that's really too bad, i miss them. I wish that everyone could get along too, all this fighting between people is driving me nuts. I don't see why people can't just get along... :( I wish my knees would get better, they're really inteferring with my dancing and it's making me feel horrible about my skills as a dancer. The fact that I've been sick lately doesn't help too much either. I wish I could take jazz classes too, or hip hop. I was pretty good at those forms of dancing..but I guess I'll just have to wait til I get to college. Speaking of college, oh wow. I have no money and my top choice is the U of M...from what I've heard, you need a 22 on your ACT,i have a 21. If I don't do good on the next act test i'm completely screwed and i'll end up going to msu...I need to get out of this town sooooo damn badly, I don't know what I'll do if I don't get to leave. I don't know what I want to be either, and that's something I need to decide soon. I'm going to be out in the world in less than 5 years and I thought I wanted to be a psychologist, but if I can't understand my own feelings how the hell am I supposed to help other people solve their problems. Life is so fucking screwed up that way sometimes. It makes me mad, I wish I could just be reborn and start a whole new life and make things work for me. Hah! Like that'll ever happen, oh well, a girl can dream huh. And speaking of dreaming..mike. I don't know what's up with him. He saw me at McD's tonight and completely took off in the other direction and I don't know how I'm supposed to take that when he told me he still likes me and argh....me and him have such a complicated past and I haven't really talked to him in a while so how am I supposed to know what he's thinking! And thinking,wow there's something I need to stop doing right now, I'm overanalyzing way too much tonight and what I need to be doing is studying for my damn econ test which I'm going to be failing tomorrow. Thanks for listening... oh and by the way, i think my depression's coming back...bah!